Tag-along Roommate

March 9, 2018

My roommate is always trying to tag along with me and my friends. I'm cool with them coming sometimes since I know he doesn't have a lot of friends, but I really want to spend time with my friends without him being there. Is there any way I can let him know without being rude?

Avi:

If you want to be discreet, you can make plans and go to those plans without your roommate. Honestly, though, I think your best bet would be to spend more time alone with your roommate and become better friends with him. You're going to be living together for a while, so you may as well be friends. Or perhaps you can encourage him to make more friends of his own to hang out with. If there is any specific issue that you or your friends have with him tagging along, you should bring it up with him and discuss it directly. Good luck! 

David:

It is easy to answer this by saying that you should just plan things without him knowing. Although this can certainly work, he may be offended if he finds out that you were planning things without his knowledge. And this would just avoid the problem, and not confront it. He isn’t entitled to know all of your plans of course, but I think it would be good to directly talk to him about it and let him know that you will be going out with friends but prefer to just spend time with them. He may not even be aware that he is intrusive so it is always good to clear up any misunderstanding through direct communication. Once you guys have talked and he understands his potential boundaries, then it would be okay to plan things just with your friends. I think it would be considerate of you to help your friend out though: when there are certain events and outings that you wouldn’t mind having him with you, invite him! Alternatively, you could try to introduce him to some of your other friends. You could also encourage him to join clubs and try to plug him into various communities. This would then be helping your friend out in addition to solving the problem.  

 Angela:

When there's a will, there's a way. I understand the sticky situation you're in. It is sometimes difficult determining the boundary and the line to cross when it comes to interactions with roommates. I'd suggest you find some time when you and your roommate are both free to have a little chat. Go for a quick food run to lighten the mood or just find a private space and get right to it. Be honest, but not rude. Express your feelings and concerns with your roommates. Let him know that although you do enjoy his company from time to time, you'd like some time alone to spend with your friends. Let him know that it is okay for him to tag along sometimes, but sometimes, you just want to hang out with your friends by yourself and this has nothing to do with him as a person. Make it clear to your roommate that he has done nothing wrong and that you simply just want your time with your friend group. I would also help your roommate find something else to do in that case you do prefer to have time with your friends (by yourself). See if he has any hobbies and help him take that step towards mingling with others. A little help goes a long way and maybe your roommate just needs a little boost to get him going. 

Shawn:

You shouldn't feel like it's your responsibility to take care of your roommate. It is completely fine to want to spend time with people that you are closer to without the discomfort of someone new. I think the best thing is to be honest and direct. In any situation really, I feel that being direct and honest is the best form of communication you can engage in reliably for the best results. You can always suggest some ways for your roommate to meet new people and asking for your space doesn't make you a bad person! I don't think it would come off as rude; it would be ruder to tell him later. I'm sure it will all work out.

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