Relationship Q&A: Winter 2013

August 1, 2014

My boyfriend and I have our anniversary coming up tomorrow, but we won't be able to see each other and we can't skype or anything. I still want to do something special for the day though, what do I do?

Apologies for the delay in this response. The Love Cafe baristas were on winter break :-) We hope you were able to do something special, such as sending a cute text or if you had the funds, sending your boyfriend some snacks, balloons or flowers. If not, you can always have a romantic belated anniversary celebration. Best wishes for many more anniversaries!

I think I’m falling for my really good guy friend. Problem is: we both know we would not be good as a couple and that we each have different views on having relationships. What should I do? I think he also has feelings for me too!

Already being good friends can definitely have its perks for being in a healthy relationship - it is not a bad thing! However, do not put pressure on yourselves for having to change anything about your current relationship just because you two now have the title of being “in a relationship." In terms of having different views on having a relationship, discuss this concern with your really close guy friend. Tell him how much you really like him but that you do not want to jeopardize your relationship with him because of these different views. Maybe you two could find a happy median between your opposing views or you two could be more understanding of each other at the start of your relationship. Good luck and have fun!! –Lauren

It is natural to develop romantic feelings for your guy friend, especially since you spend so much time with them. Some of the best relationships stem from becoming very good friends first. However, if you know that a romantic relationship is not the best kind of relationship you want to have with him, then maybe try limiting the type of interaction you have with him. Communication is key so I suggest that you talk to him about what is going on and what to do that will be best for the both of you. Maybe some distance or including more people when you two hang out. On the other hand, there is the possibility of beginning a romantic relationship with him and when differences come up,I believe that talking to each other about the issues will break the barrier and allow you two to further develop your relationship. Hopefully it all works out! -Rowena

When you blur the lines between friendship and relationships, things can definitely get messy. I am all for falling in love with your best friend. After all, the person you date should be your best friend. However, I do find it disappointing to sacrifice and potentially lose a friendship for a relationship. Try to reevaluate how much you can gain versus how much you could lose by taking that extra step. Whatever you decide to pursue, it might be a good idea to discuss it with the other person. Personally, I think a true friendship is harder to find than a relationship. Since you mentioned that a relationship between the two of you probably would not work out, I would probably prefer to stay friends. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami

I joined the RSF dance class because I wanted to try something different. I’m often times one of the few guys in a class of 40 girls. I can’t seem to click with the guys there, let alone the girls. I tried getting some of my friends to go by mentioning it casually, but they all seem to poke fun at the idea of dancing. I enjoy the class but I hate feeling excluded from the group. What do I do?

It is great that you are open to trying new things at Berkeley - that is what college is all about! However, if this dance class is not enjoyable for you because you can’t seem to click with anyone there, I suggest being open to trying different activities around campus!  The RSF holds all sorts of different classes from zumba to hip hop to cardio kickboxing.  Also, there are a ton of clubs on campus (outside of the RSF) that are open to new members who are eager to try something different.  For example, a friend of mine was in the same situtation as yourself, but then he tried ballroom here at Berkeley and now absolutely loves it! He made a lot of great friends (boys and girls) and got to learn something new here at Cal!  Hope this helps! Good luck!! –Lauren

 I think it is wonderful that you are following your interests. I have personally taken the RSF dance classes a few times and they are a lot of fun! From what I remember, you don’t get much time to socialize. I have taken the class with friends and I have also taken the class alone (everyone gets busier and busier as the year progresses.) The only times you can socialize are probably during the 5 minute water breaks, in which, I take it literally and I get water (these classes are exhausting!) My point is, don’t feel pressured to make friends. However, if you really do want to make new friends, I noticed that different people attend the classes each week. That means you have plenty of opportunities to meet new people.  Just introduce yourself and see how it goes. Don’t feel obligated to talk to one sex over another. In the future, you just might find yourself a new workout buddy. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. Jami

My roommate and I are taking the same class and even though we have different career goals, I feel very competitive towards her even though there are like 500 others taking the same class. It gets to a point where I can’t even study that same subject in the room with her. It gets awkward around midterm time too: like how to be more prepared or studying more.

Being competitive is completely normal (especially here at Berkeley)! In fact, this could push you to do better in your classes by having you study more! But (and this is a big but), do not be negative towards your roommate if you find out he/she either scored better than you on an exam or “studied more” than you.  Be supportive of your roommate’s accomplishments while letting him/her push you to make you a better student as well.  If you feel like you cannot do this, avoid talking about scores/answers on exams!

Hope this helps! Good luck! –Lauren

My teammate and I had flirted a lot during the beginning of the school year. Flirting led to dating, and dating led to a relationship. However, she broke up with me a week later only to get back together with her ex girlfriend. I’m trying really hard to be understanding, but it does make me feel like crap on the inside. I feel like our entire team knows about what happened, but no one wants to bring it up to spare feelings. It’s awkward and tense. I’m not sure how to go from here.

Break ups are never fun and very few are “clean” and “easy.”  I first would recommend taking care of yourself before worrying about your teammates and your ex because unless it is affecting your performance/team, it is none of their business.  Realize that it is your ex’s loss for losing you and one day, you will find that right person that won’t make the same mistake of letting you go.  You can channel your feelings into other “distractions” such as focusing on your performance for your sport, catching up with friends, or picking up a new hobby!  Now, once you recover from the breakup, your teammates will get over it too.  You can’t give them a reason to talk about it.  If it really gets out of hand, talk to someone like a coach or a fellow teammate.  I guarantee you that at least someone on your team has gone through a nasty break up too. Now about your ex - accept her decision and move forward in your life.YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Hope this helps! Good Luck!!  Lauren