I’m an incoming freshman and scared of the workload and challenging classes. I came from a high school that did not have many resources and did not receive the best education. I am worried that I cannot compare to other students who had the privilege of a good school and additional academic support. Do you have advice on what I can do or how to change this mentality?
It is natural to be worried about going to any college because this is a big step from high school. I understand where you are coming from because I also went to an underprivileged high school where I felt I was not properly prepared for the college academic environment. However, just because we all may not start at the same level, we all have the same opportunity to learn the same material. I was scared and hesitant in the beginning, but then I learned that worrying would only hinder my academic performance. If I’m already telling myself that I cannot be as good as this person or that person, I am already defeated due to my thinking. Sure, there are some downs, but with those falls, there is so much more to look up to. I stumbled, but I told myself that I can do it. I may have to study extra material that others have already learned previously in high school, but that is something completely doable. It helped improve my study habits too, doing more than what is required to fully understand lecture material. Keep your head up and also try to enjoy college life at the same time! I wish you all the best and good luck! –Rowena
p.s. There are lots of great academic resources on campus–feel free to take advantage of them.
I am a first year and I grew up in a conservative family. My roommate and I got along fine in the beginning, but now she has been partying every night. She comes back to our dorm in the middle of the night, drunk, and loud, and wakes me up. I had a hard time sleeping afterward because she would make phone calls, invite floormates, etc. I find her drinking habits repulsive and it has taken a toll on our friendship. I talked to her about it, but she doesn’t seem to care. What am I supposed to do?
If she refuses to acknowledge the fact that her actions bother you, then I recommend that you go talk to your RA and tell him/her everything you told me. That should hopefully clarify to her how serious her drinking habits mean to you. Make sure you are honest with your roommate by telling her how much her drinking is bothering you while still being understanding of her needs as well. Being intoxicated hinders her rational decision-making. She may not think that she is talking that loud or that she is bothering you, so I would not write off your friendship just yet. Good luck! –Lauren
The truth of it is that your roommate’s partying habits are hers, and you don’t have control over it. However, if she is waking you up in the middle of the night, then you are involved and you do have a say in it. Since you mentioned you lived in the dorms, it might be a good idea to talk to your RA about it. In about a week (or more depending on your RA), the two of you will need to fill out a roommate contract. That would be a perfect time to set up an agreement between you two. The beginning of the school year is the best time to work out any disagreements. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
I’m an incoming Sophomore this coming semester. I told myself that I would try to have more fun and enjoy the college experience because all I did was focus on academics my freshman year. I’m thinking of trying out some frat parties during the first few weeks of classes, but I don’t exactly know how to go about doing that. I don’t drink nor do I dance. I also don’t have friends who I think would be interested in going with me. I want to try one out because I heard that they are fun, but I am a bit hesitant.
Having fun in college does not always mean that you have to go to frat parties. You can have fun doing other activities with a community you are more comfortable with. That being said, if you want to experience a frat party, I recommend first going to a small kickback either at your place or at a friend’s place. There, you can determine whether you are comfortable being in an environment with alcohol and dancing. If you are, then go mingle and introduce yourself to new people for perhaps one of them is planning on going to a Frat party later that night or weekend. If so, then you can create a group of people to go with you to the frat parties. Again, frat parties are not always for everyone. Some people would prefer having a movie night with some friends rather than going to a frat party to be an observer. If you want to have fun this year, then do stuff that you find fun and not what other people are telling you to do to have fun. You worked hard for a fun break so make the most of it. Good luck and have fun! –Lauren
I agree that having fun is an important aspect of the college experience. Academics are important, but you do want to have memories aside from those to look back on after you graduate. There are so many ways to have fun and make it memorable without going to a frat party. Berkeley is beautiful and there are a bunch of good eateries around here. You can maybe try to take a night out, grab a couple of friends, and bond over a nice dinner on College Ave where there is food from all cultures. Or if you want to save some money, John’s $1 ice cream scoops are a favorite of mine. There is the Berkeley Fire Trail which is approximately 7 miles round trip with a view of the Bay. Those are some options aside from going to a frat party, but if you want to experience a frat party and are up for it, just remember to play it safe. Watch your drink at all times, have a friend go with you, and think twice about anything that you have a bad hunch about. Safety is always first because by being safe, you can have the most fun possible. -Rowena
I am a freshman here at Berkeley and I am considering transferring schools next year or next semester even if I can! I came from a small high school that had 10/15 kids in one classroom. Now I am stuck in a class of 800 students. I cannot focus in such a big room with so many other people and I feel lost all the time. It is taking a toll on my grades (I just failed a quiz). HELP!
If you want to make the classroom seem bigger, I recommend that you sit in front of the class. You can block everyone else out including those who use lecture time to check up on their various social media. I also recommend that you take advantage of office hours!! Go talk to your GSI or professor and get yourself known! Of the 800 kids in the class, I guarantee you that not all 800 of them are going to make an effort to go to office hours. Also, create small study groups or small networks of friends that you can do homework or study with. It is better to fight this battle with a group of friends rather than alone. It is only your first year so do not worry so much for it will get better once you get settled in more. Don’t give up yet! You are at the best public university!!
Hope some of these tips help! Good luck! –Lauren
Freshmen year was a bit shaky for me as well, so I can understand how you might be feeling. I was not doing too well, because I was having a hard time adjusting to the dorm living situation, the new social groups, and the academic rigor. Before you make a decision, please give Berkeley more of a chance. I started to enjoy my time here by trying to appreciate what I wasn’t comfortable with in the beginning. This means that the more people in the class, the more people there are with similar career interests as you and more people to expand your social group. Trust me, other people are probably feeling overwhelmed as well. If you cannot focus in such a big class, try to go to office hours and utilize the GSIs that are there to help. I was not used to “office hours” in the beginning, but now I go to office hours whenever I can, and they do help me focus on the material. Going to office hours is where I meet the people I form study groups with. Quizzes are there to help you gauge how you are doing in the class and if you are worried, don’t be afraid to talk to the professor, but failing one quiz is OK! Just look at it and try to understand why you didn’t do as well as you should have and learn from that. Adjusting is hard, but it is an important life skill that I had to learn myself. Good luck! –Rowena
Hi, freshie. I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult transition to Berkeley. Berkeley is a big school and I think about the transition into Berkeley as taking a fish out of a small pond and tossing it into the ocean. So… of course, it takes time to get used to the new waters! Join study groups, go to office hours, find an upperclassmen mentor, etc. There are resources out there that are made to help you. But, part of being in a large public school is that you have to go find it yourself. My advice is to give it some time and try your best to make the most of your time here. After a year, if you still want to transfer, go for it. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
I just started seeing this guy and I like him. After a few weeks of dating, I realized that he had never seen me without makeup. To be honest, I don’t mind keeping this up. I’m not looking for advice, “beauty within” or “he should like you for who you are.” I look very different without makeup and he doesn’t know that. Strangely enough, I’m okay with that. Advice?
I was in the same situation as you last year with my boyfriend. After a while, I learned that there was no way I could keep up wearing no make-up while I was with him. I recommend that you start by gradually removing the amount of makeup you wear around him to see if he cares. Maybe you should start by wearing no eye shadow around him or something else that you feel most comfortable without. If he makes a big deal about it in a way that makes you feel less of yourself, then this guy is not worth it! You do not want a guy that does not accept you for who you are. However, after gradually removing the amount of makeup you wear, you can gradually build your comfort level. Or, if you don’t like that plan, you can always do what I did and just go makeup-less when you meet him at night. The darkness slightly conceals your make-up-less face, making it more comfortable for yourself. Hope it all works out. Good luck! –Lauren
I am a transfer student and it is the first time I’m away from my boyfriend. We’re trying to do long-distance, but I am getting so caught up in everything that we barely talk anymore. We have been together for 5 years and I don’t want to give up something so familiar. At the same time, I know we’re probably going to be apart for a long time. So, now what?
The first few weeks of a new college can be very exciting and chaotic. You’re adjusting to a new environment, meeting new people, and even eating new food. Let things settle down first before you make any decisions out of impulse. Once you are adjusted to everything, then decide. Reflect on the past and think about the future. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
Immediately after we broke up, my first boyfriend got another girlfriend. I have been dating him for the past three years, and I don’t know how he can move on so fast while I can’t. I feel devastated and I don’t know what to think. I am constantly feeling depressed, invaluable, and replaceable. I know they say the best way to get over someone is to find someone new. Is that the best idea?
Don’t compare how fast each of you can move on. It may just cause you to throw yourself into or pursue another relationship with the poor intention of (messily) bandaging the wound left by the last. And like wounds, yours will take time to heal. No one other than yourself can remedy it by understanding that stuff happens and that you are your own person and therefore irreplaceable. Don’t let someone else and their actions dictate your identity and self-worth. Instead, pursue activities that will help keep your mind off of it like exercise, volunteering, etc. –Amanda
The best way to get over someone is not to find someone new! Rather, it’s finding yourself and being comfortable in your skin. Finding someone new simply brushes your concerns under the carpet and does not resolve the issue. Mama Luv would suggest participating in activities that you’re comfortable doing by yourself and with friends. Sweetie, it’s important to remember that you define yourself and no one else can make you feel inferior. Please don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help. - Mama Luv
I'm a freshman and having a hard time connecting with my floormates. What are some things I can do to get to know them more?
One of the coolest things about living in the dorms is the activities! You pay extra for dorms for floor/building activities coordinated by the RAs. Try attending dorm events and get to know some of your floormates. Look for common interests and especially classes! I always found it extremely helpful to study with floormates or even partner with them (the proximity alone makes doing school work a lot easier!) If all else fails and you do feel like you can’t connect with your floor, you can always get to know another floor. No rules are saying that you can only be friends with the people on your floor. Perhaps you have more things in common with the floor below yours or even more classes with the floor above. You’ll never know unless you try it out. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
Start hanging out where the bulk of your floormates are (for my freshman year, that was the study lounge)! Once you are there, they most likely will go on study breaks to Late Night or the Cafeteria. Also, go find them in your classes and go sit with them. You all can now stress over classes/complain about the teachers together (haha just kidding). Don’t be afraid of being social and outgoing around them. Get to know them and don’t be afraid to tell a little about yourself too. Hope this helps. Good luck and have fun! - Lauren
I'm becoming the same anti-social loser that I was in high school. A month in, and I'm either alone or hanging out with high school friends. I told myself I would challenge my comfort zone and never say no to an opportunity, but I mostly stayed in my dorm and played video games and listened to music. I wish I had a girlfriend but I feel I can't be attractive or interesting to anyone if I can't love myself first. And then I spiral into more self-hatred for being so self-hating. What do you think?
First, you are not an anti-social loser! You are only a little over a month into school. I think it is a little soon to be worried about not being at the spot you envisioned yourself being at when you were in high school. You cannot put so much pressure on yourself! Do not worry about not having a girlfriend yet (you are still getting used to the college lifestyle)! If you treat a girl respectfully, a girl will come – you just have to be patient. Now about the “getting out of your comfort zone” situation, if the Frat Life is not your scene, join a club! Trust me, clubs allow you to meet new groups of friends that have similar interests as you. Plus, there are bound to be a bunch of socials that you can attend, thus allowing you to get out of your comfort zone! Yay! Start going to these once in a while instead of staying inside playing video games. You can bring your high school friends too if you still want to hang out with them. Hope this helps! Good luck and have fun! - Lauren
I don't drink, but my friends do and they often go out on the weekends without me to parties. I want to stay friends with them, but I feel like they're starting to distance themselves from me. I don't want to start drinking. What should I do?
First of all, you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. If your friends are distancing from you just because you don’t drink, then they weren’t your real friends to begin with. You can try to take the initiative by asking your friends out on the weekends to catch a movie as opposed to partying. Or, perhaps you can do something else on weekend nights, such as taking RSF classes offered at night. That way, you can even make new friends! Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
I understand that you do not want to lose your friendship with the group that you made here in college. However, if you do not have fun doing the stuff that they do to have fun, then that is not a good relationship. We are only a little over a month into college so the friends you make during the first week of school are not the only friends you will make here in college. You will meet a lot of new people throughout your time here at Berkeley whether in classes, dorms, clubs, etc. You got to keep an open mind! When you meet someone new, give him/her a chance; maybe this person has fun doing the same stuff you like. Now I am not telling you that you cannot be friends with this group anymore! Maybe you can hang out with them when you study or eat lunch or something. Just do stuff that you liked doing with them before they got into the whole drinking scene. Hope this helps, good luck and have fun! - Lauren
I'm a sophomore and last year, I gained a couple of pounds, which was inevitable. However, my family has been giving me a lot of flack. I don't think it's that big of a deal. I didn't gain that much weight, and I'm learning how to manage my eating habits, but they won't back down. It's starting to make me self-conscious. What should I do?
Your parents probably aren’t saying those things to intentionally hurt you. But if the comments are getting to you, you might want to tell them that it sincerely hurts your feelings. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
My parents yelled at me for getting below the mean on a couple of midterms. How do I convince them that the classes are hard and that I’m doing my best?
First of all, you are doing your best and putting in the effort, and deserve to be commended for it. Classes in Berkeley are competitive and test scores are dependent on prior knowledge or exposure in high school. If you are having trouble in the class, maybe try going to the SLC (Student Learning Center) where there is tutoring available, or going to GSI/Professor office hours. Since you are trying your best, try to find out what the problem is connected to the material or maybe it is just test-taking strategies you need improvement on. Explain to your parents that you are doing all that you can and seeking additional academic support. Hopefully, they understand after some breathing room and can support you in finding a study strategy. Best of luck! You got this! -Rowena
Perhaps your parents do not understand one key thing: Berkeley is not high school anymore. Although you probably hear this often, I feel like I need to restate this again. Berkeley is an incredible school, but it is also an incredibly competitive school. Berkeley is filled with valedictorians, the 2400’s, etc. On top of this, the challenging materials and exams force you to think through them. Try explaining to your parents your circumstances and how hard you are trying. Let them know if you are doing any extracurriculars or looking into any new things. Hopefully, they will come around. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
Last month I noticed that one of my apartment roommates didn’t seem to eat much. His part of the refrigerator is usually empty except for a jar of peanut butter. I thought he was on a diet or something, but now I think he doesn’t have money to buy enough groceries. We’re not friends, just roommates. But I want to help him out without embarrassing him. I’m happy to share my food with him. How do I approach this?
If you are comfortable sharing food with him, by all means, go for it. I always think it is a good idea to share food because it is one way for people to bond. It might even help the two of you go past being just average roommates to being good friends! One idea is that you can just ask him to help you cook and share the food with him afterward. Another idea is you can just cook extra and let him know there are extras in the fridge left for him. However, these ideas are just quick fixes. When it comes down to it, you should find out why he is eating so little. Is it money issues? Depression? Stress? Anorexia? Try to slowly ease your way into asking him about it. Perhaps figuring out why he is eating so little can help mend this problem better in the future. Hope this helps! Best of luck darling.—Jami
That is kind of you to care about his health and well-being. He will probably be appreciative to know that someone cares and is willing to help. When you buy groceries, you can casually say that you bought more than you need or that you bought something really good that he might be interested in trying. Then as you two get closer, it might be easier to talk to him about his financial situation and offer your support. You can also help him budget his spending so he can save money to buy groceries. Hopefully, it all works out! -Rowena
How do you end a kiss with someone who has bad breath without hurting their feelings?
This is a common question and I think that it depends on your relationship with the other person. If this is something casual, then maybe it is best to enjoy each other’s company without necessarily kissing, such as cuddling or holding hands. If this is a more serious relationship, depending on your level of comfort with each other, you can talk to him or her about it. You can say that you love to kiss them, but that there can be other factors to make it more amazing (such as eating a mint for a fresher feel). Then you can also ask him/her what are some things you can do to make kissing more enjoyable too so this is a two-way talk. Good luck! –Rowena
The most classic response would probably be to offer them a mint or piece of gum and I think that is pretty doable. However, if the person you are kissing has a good sense of humor, you can also kick it up a notch. Place a piece of candy mint in your mouth before you kiss him/her. Then, when the two of you are kissing, slip the candy in nonchalantly with your tongue. It sounds a bit strange, but it is quite entertaining anytime you catch someone off guard. This way you can cure his/her bad breath and have a good laugh. It’s a two-in-one deal. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami
I have a huge crush on my GSI. I feel like he spends a lot of extra time with me, so I feel like he is interested in me too. I heard about a friend’s friend who dated her GSI. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but I don’t want to get in trouble. I want to ask him out but I don’t know how to.
I understand that developing a crush in college is completely normal and is beyond anyone’s control. However, in terms of dating your GSI, that could lead to a lot of unnecessary and complicated drama (especially during the semester you are taking his class). If other students found out, they could assume that your GSI is giving you unfair benefits in the class and that could get both of you in trouble. I would wait until the class is over and you are no longer enrolled in his section/lab. Then determine if this feeling is mutual and if you can successfully maintain a healthy relationship together. Good Luck! -Lauren
It is normal to have these feelings and it may seem like he is interested because GSIs are supposed to give students more attention. I have heard of a student dating their GSI, but it is rare. However, if he does feel the same as you do, I suggest waiting until the class is over to initiate anything so it is fair to other students. And also so there is no bias towards you during the class. Maybe by the end of the class, you will end up liking another classmate or realize that you aren’t interested in your GSI after all! –Rowena
I have severe test anxiety. It wasn't as big a deal in high school, but now at Berkeley where midterms & finals weigh a lot, my anxiety has worsened. I am always anxious about exams, regardless of how much I study and how ready I am. Is there anything I can do to lessen this anxiety? It affects my sleep the night before and sometimes dampens my whole week. At times it's so bad that at the beginning of the test, I blank out and can't remember how to do anything.
Hi there, Thanks for dropping us a note. Technically, this blog deals with all types of relationships among people, but I’m happy to answer your question about test anxiety. Most people find it helpful to do some visualization exercises before the test. Try to visualize yourself in the exam room and see yourself doing well during the test. You might even “see” yourself getting nervous and recovering from that nervousness after taking a few deep breaths. Visualizations are a form of “practice” and can help boost your confidence. Deep breathing (belly level) before and during the exam is very helpful. Try to get to the room a few minutes early to do your deep breathing so that you’re in a relaxed state when you start the exam. You are welcome to make an online health education and/or counseling appointment at UHS to discuss this issue. Best wishes!
My girlfriend and I have been together since 7th grade and we’re both third years now. She goes to Davis and I’m here at Berkeley. We get into a lot of arguments because of long distance. I feel like if we don’t fix these issues we will break up. I can’t imagine my life without her and I don't want to lose her. I gave it some thought and I want to propose to her. I talked to my parents about it and they were against it. How can I make my parents come around?
Try to understand why your parents are against it and that might be because both of you are still in college and do not have a job yet. Since you two seem to love each other, but with obstacles in the way such as the distance, maybe this is not the best time to suggest marriage. I suggest making your relationship even stronger and fixing the problems regarding the distance before taking that extra step forward. Also, a stable relationship requires two people, so talking to her first about plans and wherein the relationship you two are in would be wise.—Rowena
I want to state in advance that my advice is not about changing your parents’ minds. If the two of you are having issues with a long-distance relationship, marriage will not help. After all, the relationship is still long distance. Marriage is a serious commitment, and if you want it to last, you have to be sure of it. Have you considered that the choice you are making may be an emotional impulse? Reevaluate it and think about your relationship for at least a while more. Then, if you still feel this way, tell your parents how you genuinely feel. Be open-minded to their advice and input and ask them to do the same conversely. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling.– Jami
Getting married will not resolve the arguments between you two! I admit that 6+ years of dating is incredible but do not marry for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a huge commitment and I am not sure what both of your life plans are after college, but I would not look to marriage as a solution. Marriage might even complicate the situation even further. It would probably serve both of your best interests if you two could plan to meet each other more, and to spend time with one another throughout the year. The most important part of a long-distance relationship is communication; you must be able to have absolute freedom to discuss whatever you may need to with your significant other. Good Luck! - Lauren
I was supposed to study with this girl, and we ended up talking for 3 hours instead of studying. Should I still study with her even though she is such a good distraction? A study buddy system only works if you can support each other in getting to the library to study–or–if you can meet up at a cafe and study.
You’re at the point in the semester where you can’t have too many good or not-so-good "distractions.“ A 30-minute coffee "date” with her that is completely social might make more sense. Good luck!
I wanted to spend time with my long-distance boyfriend. My schedule is packed and I only have time during Thanksgiving break so I booked a ticket to visit him. I told my parents that I had a lot of studying to do and I wouldn’t be able to go home. Now I feel bad about it because my parents seem sad. I’m starting to regret my decision. But I bought a nonreturnable ticket and don’t have money for another one. I feel like a terrible daughter. What should I do?
First, you are not a terrible daughter. If you cannot get your money back, then ask yourself if you would feel comfortable letting your ticket go. You need to decide what you feel most comfortable with. Also, be honest with your boyfriend. I am sure he will understand. If you want to see your boyfriend this Thanksgiving, I would be honest with your parents and describe to them the situation. If you feel too uncomfortable doing this, then explore why. Next time, try being honest with your parents or don’t be as rash about purchasing a nonrefundable ticket. There are more breaks to come, so do not stress. Hope this helps. Good luck! –Lauren
We all make mistakes and we often only begin to understand our mistakes in retrospect. If you can’t return your ticket or buy a new one, I think the best thing you can do is to make the most of your current situation. Skype or call your parents during Thanksgiving. Tell them how much they mean to you and how much you wish you could have been there. Be sincere, loving, and appreciative. I’m sure your parents would feel better. Study hard, enjoy your Thanksgiving, and go home during Winter Break. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling.– Jami
I met a guy at Starbucks while studying and he seems friendly and nice. I bumped into him 3 times after that at Starbucks and he walks me home when it’s late. However, he told me he had a girlfriend. He messages me on Facebook things like, “I haven’t bumped into you for a while. I feel like my life has no meaning anymore” and “Why aren’t you asleep yet?” if he sees that I am online. I want to go to Starbucks to study, but am avoiding him. I enjoy his company but don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I don’t know how to tell him I'm not interested without making it awkward.
This guy sounds like he is quite a flirt, and if he has a girlfriend, you do not want to get in the way. Be careful: if you want to spend more time with him, make sure you do not lead him on and establish (in a subtle way if you wish) that you are just friends. He could just be a friendly guy and simply want more friends at Berkeley since he is an international student. If things get really out of hand and you are positive that he is being very flirtatious, then make things clear to him that you just want to be friends. If his Facebook messages are bothering you, then I would ignore them or tell him that you cannot talk because you are busy. Now, if you want to continue to study at Starbucks, go at a different time than you normally do (he cannot be there 24/7). Or go find different places to study on/near campus. There are many places similar to Starbucks such as the Free Speech Movement Cafe and Strada Cafe! If you want to know more good places to study on campus, check out the Daily Cal’s video on unexpected places to study on campus. Hope this helps. Good luck! –Lauren