Q&A: Relationships and Dating

August 29, 2014

Valentines day is coming up and yet again, I don’t have someone special to spend it with. All my friends have significant others and I feel kind of bummed out by this. What can I do during that weekend?


Hello~ Don’t even worry about being alone on Valentines Day. Certainly it’s a fun holiday for some couples, but for a lot of other people, it’s just another day to either sulk that they’ve gone another year without a date, spend a few hours out with good company, or completely disregard. If you really want to do something out of the ordinary, I personally like to search up free fun things to do in SF when I’m free and every weekend there’s always something fun to do. Grab a friend or two and go on an adventure! :) If you rather stick around locally, there are hiking trails, cafes, stores, etc. It never hurts to stay indoors and watch a good movie on Netflix or catch up on reading. Point is, there’s tons of opportunities to treat yourself. I know that seeing couples everywhere on this day can also be a little disappointing, but it’ll all be over in 24 hours. Be grateful for your life as it is and I’m sure you’ll be spending a future February 14 with someone wonderful before you know it. :) –Laura

I broke up with this great girl I’ve been dating since middle school because I found out she kissed another guy. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship for a couple of years since we went to different colleges, and I thought it was working out fine until this happened. She claims it wasn’t her fault and that it was a dare. Whatever that means. I’m disappointed she cheated on me. I responded to her after ignoring her for an entire month and decided I was done with her, but she still tries to contact me now and then and it’s a little annoying. What should I do?


Hi anonymous, do you think it could be a major misunderstanding? Did you two converse when there were no lingering, resentful feelings still buried in your heart from what had happened? You weren’t there to witness what had happened and it could have very well been an “accident”, but it is ultimately up to your judgement. I’m not saying that kissing another guy is something that should be easily forgiven and I guess it is suspicious you found out through someone else instead of from her, but she could have very well been trying to find a way to tell you without upsetting you. Besides the point, look deep in your heart but also hear her out. Is she being sincere when she reaches out to you or disrespecting you by saying something like what had happened was no big deal? If what you two had was working for this long, maybe you should learn to forgive and forget for the mistakes your partner makes. I mean, you did say she’s a “great girl.” If you’re certain she cheated on you though, do stand firm and make it clear to her that it’s over. Skype or call if in person isn’t possible, but don’t cut contact or send an abrupt text so you’re not leaving her in the dark and giving her the impression that you just need more time.This way, she probably won’t keep coming back for answers or reconciliation. Hope things work out!

–Laura

Last year I met a guy at a gay fraternity party. This was not the first time I had met a guy at a party so naturally I did not think much of it. Shortly after that night we started texting and I realized that we had a lot in common. At first I did not know what I wanted but I knew that I was not interested in a relationship because I did believed that love was nothing more than neurochemicals, such as dopamine, in the brain that caused the feeling associated with love.

Anyway, this guy and I started hanging out a couple times that semester but then I realized that I started developing romantic feelings for him. Naturally, I stopped talking to him, the semester ended and I thought nothing of it. Life has a funny way of working. that same year I decided to take summer classes and this guy was in one of my classes. We reconnected and spending more time together doing cute thing like stargazing on the roof and going to the playground. Suddenly one night, we are hanging out together, he tells me that he wants to be in a relationship but that he is unsure of what I want. Unsure myself and afraid to accept my own feelings I panic and promise to talk about it later, but then leave. I once again stop talking to him; days later I decide to give this relationship a chance, but before I can tell him he breaks it off and tells me we are just friends. The following semester is difficult for me because I can’t stop thinking about him. Finally he tells me that nothing is ever going to happen between us and I actually think he has moved on with someone else. I still like him but I am unsure what to do because I do not want to sound obsessed or clingy however this issue deeply affects me.


I’m so sorry to hear that. :( Logic is pretty clouded when two people aren’t communicating clearly and decisively about what they want. Certainly the feeling of love can be very irrational, but you can’t help what you feel sometimes. To share those few intimate moments with someone else who seemed to have known how to make you happy can feel life changing. Try your hardest to respect yourself and not let your feelings get the best of you though. Easier said than done yes, but please don’t regret that you didn’t respond to him right away if you are. If he changed his mind, you can’t force him to change it back. Sometimes you might feel like you made the mistake of not admitting your feelings right away, but you had every right to think it through. If he wasn’t looking for commitment or afraid himself, look elsewhere. When you give breathing space, sometimes the other person will reach out to you as well. Either way, give yourself as much time as you need to focus on yourself.

Certainly you’ll have hiccups, and may even fall in the trap of thinking about him excessively, but trust me when I say you’ll get through it. It’s not healthy to be obsessive. Replaying the cute memories can be pretty heart wrenching at times, but do yourself a favor and never get caught up with someone who “moved on.” You can constantly think things like, he doesn’t care, he didn’t want me in the first place, why did we even spend time to begin with, etc etc but where do all these ambiguous questions bring you to? You’re back where you started, right? Confused and missing someone who may not even be missing you. Do try to relax and keep an eye on your well being by surrounding yourself with people you know who genuinely care about you and love yourself in the mean time! I really do hope you feel better. If you still like him, hey, let time tell. If the two of you were meant to be, maybe life’s funny way of things, like you said, will yet again bring you two together when you two are truly ready to figure it out together.

What’s most important in the here and now is that you don’t obsess over someone who you don’t know very well cause there are a TON of other people out there who won’t confuse or hurt you the way he did and you deserve only the best. It could very well be that he didn’t mean to lead you on, but what happened happened. Maybe try meeting people outside of parties when you feel ready since you think there’s been an obvious pattern of meeting guys who don’t meet your needs. Best wishes and take care. :) –Laura

One of my best friends whom I’ve known for years now just implied that he’d want to date me, but not at this time since, I’m assuming, it’d be long distance and difficult to get to know each other better. We both want to enjoy the college experience and not hold each other back from meeting people. I’m not sure how to react. I’ve always seen him as just a friend, but there is a physical attraction. What should I do?


Dear anonymous,

No doubt that it’s pretty surprising to find this out, but it’s up to you to look into your heart to figure this one out, dear. :) Sounds wonderful that you two want to give each other the option to explore college and not be tied down to an old friend. Not to say that that is a bad thing! Sometimes the best relationships come out of knowing someone for years and the fact that you two already have a trusting foundation built over the years make it all the more special. Don’t ever feel pressured that you have to give this person a chance though, but do be open to the idea of it. Stay calm, go with the flow, and who knows, maybe you two will be more compatible than you think you are. And if not, that’s okay too! I’m sure you two will still be the best of friends regardless.

–Laura

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I BROKE UP AFTER BEING TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS. We took it slow and didn’t have sex because she knew I was insecure about my size (if you know what I mean) and body and wanted me to be comfortable. But when we finally did it for the first time, and it was my first time, she flat out told me she didn’t feel like it was a pleasurable experience for her at all and that she had to think about her ex during it. And then we broke up after a hefty amount of arguments. I know I should respect myself and find a girl who loves me for who I am, but hearing that from the girl I loved was heartbreaking and a left a dent on my ego. What should I do?


First of all I want to give you props for communicating your insecurities to your girlfriend. Like any experience that is new, sex can be awkward and uncomfortable until you become more experienced. Having insecurities and feeling weird is to be expected. If you’ve never had sex before, you’re not going to know what to do. I think your girlfriend had some unrealistic expectations of you knowing that it was your first time. She also sounds a bit selfish, focusing the conversation on her needs and on her pleasure rather than on both of you. The comment about her ex serves no other purpose than to hurt your feelings. Judging by your comment about arguments, it sounds like you two aren’t compatible and there were deeper things other than just sex that wasn’t working out.

Moving forward, I think you should continue being honest about your experience with future partners. Real sex is not like sex in movies or in porn. Sex is about experimenting. Even if you’re super experienced, every new partner is a different person that has different preferences. The fun part of sex is learning about your partner. Find someone who is excited to learn about you, excited to experiment and help you discover what you enjoy during sex. During sex they’ll ask what feels good and tell you what feels good to them. They’ll embrace feeling awkward and the occasional dick slip or queef or position that doesn’t quite work out. Anyone who puts you down or is negative is not worth your time.

Nurse your ego. Breakups are hard, and you’re going to feel hurt because someone went out of their way to hurt you. But also look forward to meeting those warm, caring people who won’t do that. Who, when you open up to them, will open up to you. Everyone has insecurities, it’s how you interact with them that defines you as a person. You will have more sex. You will have great sex, you will have terrible sex, awkward sex, meh sex, mind-blowing sex. And you’ll learn from all of these experiences and gain confidence. You’re just starting out! You have so many fun experiences ahead of you.

– Portia

Dear anon, I’m incredibly sorry your girlfriend told you that, especially when it was your first time. Pleaseeeee don’t let this one experience ruin your views on future relationships. If two people really see eye to eye on things and love each other, size and physique, anything for that matter, should not be an issue. There are other ways to please your partner. A little foreplay, romantic date nights, deep conversations, anything that sets the mood for partners can help with making those special nights pleasurable. Trust me when I say girls worry about their breast size too. If anything, it isn’t your size that mattered but maybe her attachment to the past? You two may have needed to communicate better and try again too, but it’s okay. You are definitely better off with someone else, and for the next girl who comes your way, be confident with who you are and especially with your abilities to love someone– the right one will love you for who you are down to your size and body.

– Laura

If you like someone, how do you know when is the right time to go from friends to more? And how does it happen?


Sometimes, you’ll never know until you ask.

There are hints like: finding time for each other often, open body language, laughing a lot, feeling supported by each other, feeling good being yourselves around each other, really ridiculously enjoying each others’ company…. the list goes on!

Be vulnerable and take a risk. Ask! It can go something like “hey I’ve really enjoyed doing ___ with you these past few days/months/years”. You can pause here and see what their response is. It leaves the conversation open for them to respond. OR you can continue, be brave, and say… “and I want to explore being more than friends.”

Scary huh? Pursuing a relationship requires that we put ourselves out there, and yes sometimes it won’t go the way we want it to. Sometimes, we’ll get hurt.

In order to become “more than friends”, both people in the relationship need to be ok with that. Sometimes, YOU may be ready, but for whatever reason the other person may not be ready. It could be that they just got out of another relationship, or simply that they are not ready to commit. Everyone moves at their own pace, and this is absolutely fine.

So try, and fail, and try again (with another person, or with the same person at a later time if they are not ready right now)! If you’re at a point where you’re curious if the other person would like to be more than friends, then chances are – if they say no – you at least have a really good friend.

– Marie


relationship wheelHow do I know if I’m in a Healthy Relationship?


Honey,

Are you happy? If you can answer that question with a “yes” without hesitation or “but”, then it is likely you’re in a healthy relationship. If both parties are happy and willing to develop the relationship, then you may have something special that feels effortless. Keep in mind to avoid comparing your relationship to others’ since everyone’s situation is different.

Also take a look at this relationship wheel. A healthy relationship has all of these qualities.

In the meantime, keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.

Love,
Mama Luv

This girl and I have been hanging out a lot lately and I can tell there are feelings growing between us two. But the problem is… she has a boyfriend. She’s in a long distance relationship. She talks to me about their problems all the time. We haven’t done anything “bad”… no cheating or anything. I really like her, but I also don’t want to get in-between her relationship with her boyfriend. What should I do?!


Sweetie,

Mama Luv is proud that you’re aware you shouldn’t cross the line! It is never a good idea to get in-between someone’s relationship. However, if an emotional relationship is developing between you two, that could get complex and still be considered a separate relationship. Mama Luv would suggest being completely open with her. Communicate that you sense an emotional relationship developing and ask if she feels the same. If she does, perhaps you two believe it’s not a great idea to move forward if she is still in a relationship, especially since this would be not nice to her long-distance partner. Don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.

Love,
Mama Luv

I’m looking for random hook-ups because I don’t have time for much more right now. How do I start?


Babycakes,

Everyone has different interests when it comes to dating. If you’re interested in a more casual relationship, it’s best to make sure your potential partner is looking for the same level of commitment and that the relationship is 100% consensual. There are multiple dating websites and apps that will allow you to meet new people who also share the same dating interests. Mama Luv would suggest being honest and clear from the start about exactly what you’re looking for - whether it’s in your profile or within the first few texts. This way, both parties can ensure a mutual and consensual relationship. Always keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.

Love,
Mama Luv

I’m sick of being single and recently joined OKC to start dating again. Someone from my CS class (computer science) hit me up but I am not into him at all! We see each other regularly and I feel a little awkward when I see him now. Should I acknowledge the message or blow him off?


Honey,

Mama Luv is proud that you’re taking steps to find what you want! However, it’s possible to come across a friend who’s interested in you but you aren’t feeling the same way. To maintain the friendly and platonic relationship, Mama Luv would suggest acknowledging that you received his message but explain why you would prefer to stay friends. Acknowledging the message will allow him to understand you respect his company and want to maintain the friendship. Remember to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.

Luv,
Mama Luv

So I just started hanging out with this new guy and I think we both really like each other. He smokes cigarettes though and it’s kind of grossing me out. I have friends that smoke and it’s not a big deal but I’m not making out with my friends. Should I end it?


That depends. It sounds like you’ve never dated a smoker before so you may want to ask yourself this question: “Is smoking a deal-breaker for me?” It’s ok if it is. If not, you may want to set some boundaries when you two are hanging out. You may decide something like whenever he smokes, you don’t want to be around or ask if he can chew gum after each cigarette break.

In terms of health, it may not be helpful to condemn him each time he lights up, however, it can help if you are supportive at times he may mention wanting to quit. Providing resources to him may not be the most romantic gesture, but healthy hearts are what Valentine’s day is all about, amIright?! Actually, February is American Heart Month and it can be important for him to understand that quitting now can prevent future risk of heart disease or stroke.
Good luck!