Love Cafe: Relationship Q&A

I'm a third year and it's been hard to make friends. I have some great acquaintances but no one close enough to confide in and make plans with. Two questions: 1) What are some good ways I can deepen these acquaintanceships? 2) How can I be more content being alone?  

Assuming you’ll be seeing these acquaintances often, try asking them if they’d like to grab lunch or boba with you that weekend. Food always brings people together. Then, you can hang out with them for a little bit without having to invest too much time. Take advantage of the time spent. Get to know your new friend a little more—maybe you'll find some commonalities, such as sharing the same hobby that you can do together. Think of your alone time as an opportunity to wind down, catch up on work, or do another activity you want. –Amanda 

Compared to high school, college can feel lonely sometimes. My best advice for deepening acquaintanceships would be to be more open to other people. Relationships are what you put into them, and the more you open up to others, the more they will do the same with you. I believe that is the best way to progress an acquaintanceship into a friendship. To answer your second question, just try your best to adapt to being alone. For the time being, you can try to find a new, not time-consuming activity to do when you’re alone, such as reading a book, to keep your mind off things. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami

My boyfriend is pledging a frat right now, and it's very time-consuming and stressful for him. We used to spend tons of time together. The fact that he's meeting new people, gaining a new part of his life, and having less time for me makes me sad. Any advice on how to deal with that? Thank you!

If you’re also looking to extend your social circle, use your free time to connect with others. Ask a friend if they’d like to grab coffee with you, etc. It’s good to build friendships and not just depend on your boyfriend for social connection. This way you can have a support group that will hopefully help you make spending the time apart easier and more fun. –Amanda 

Honey, It’s completely normal for you to feel sad about your boyfriend pledging a frat! However, like your boyfriend, you need to seek out groups to join so that you can also gain a new circle of friends. Mama Luv would suggest looking into clubs on campus or inviting your friends out to explore the city. This will allow you more time to learn about yourself and trust me, baby, your boyfriend will appreciate this too! In the meantime, don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your Mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help. Love, Mama Luv 

The two of you sound like both very busy people. There is no need to feel sad about your boyfriend meeting new people: change your mindset. Instead of thinking that your boyfriend is making friends without you, think about it as an opportunity for you to meet new people too. In addition, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now too, which gives you perfect timing and opportunity to focus on yourself. To keep your relationship strong, remember to be supportive of one another. Hope this helps. Best of luck, darling. —Jami

Me and my best friend like the same guy. He texts me all the time and he told me he liked me. What should I do? Should he and I remain friends until she stops liking him?   

It’s best if you just directly and gently talk with your friend about this rather than wait around for her feelings to subside. The more serious her feelings are for him, the longer it may take for her to move on. Assuming she doesn’t know his feelings, honesty is the best policy. Just tell her what’s up rather than quietly watch her drag things on and hope that she’ll stop soon. If you were in her shoes, wouldn’t you expect your best friend to tell you the truth, even if it hurts? If she doesn’t like what she hears, then that’s a shame because rejecting the truth doesn’t make it false. —Amanda  

Have you talked to your best friend about you both having feelings for this boy? Maybe you could talk to her. Tell her that this guy has told you he likes you and that you like him back. Maybe say that you don’t want to ruin your friendship by acting on this without her approval! —Emily 

I believe the best way to go about this situation is based on your understanding of your friend. If she has been obsessing over this guy for a long time, then it might be a good idea to take a step back in respect of your friendship. However, if it was only a casual crush, then I am sure a good friend would understand. Hope this helps. Best of luck, darling. —Jami   

Honey, It’s completely normal for two friends to like the same person. However, honesty is an important component of friendship so Mama Luv thinks it is best to be honest with your best friend. Let your friend know how he feels about you and discuss how you should proceed. She might even surprise you by telling you to go after the guy! Just don’t forget to be honest, keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help. Love, Mama Luv  

I met this girl a few months ago, and we really liked each other, maybe even “fell in love”. But she has started being very suspicious about everything I do, questioning where I’ve been at every single moment, and even snooping through my things. I still like her but this has become a huge turnoff. What do you suggest?    

Situations like this can be very challenging. First, ask yourself how important this relationship is to you. If it is important to you, think about what you can do to alleviate her concerns. Be transparent in your activities until she has no cause for concern. Try to make it clear to her that you care for her and that she has nothing to be concerned about the relationship. Trust takes time to build and it may be that she is searching for evidence that you are someone she can trust. You can try letting her obtain that evidence without feeling offended or having your feelings hurt. “Falling in love” may seem easy but solid long-term relationships require an extensive amount of trust-building and this requires time, transparency, and commitment on the part of both partners. The most important thing is to find a situation that is good for both of you, whether you stay together or whether you forge separate lives. –Guest Barista Henry  

My roommate is constantly leaving her things everywhere. I don’t mind that she’s messy, but I do mind when her mess is in my space. It’s only once in a while, so I don’t know when would be the best time to approach her. And even if I do, I don’t know how to approach her about this without upsetting or offending her. What should I do?  

It’s understandable to have roommate issues because everyone has a different lifestyle. If you feel like your roommate is getting into your personal space, Mama Luv would suggest approaching her a couple of days after it has happened. If you do like her as a roommate, you can start by saying that you enjoy living with her. Then slowly bring up how her behavior and living habits (not personality) are affecting you. And that you would appreciate it if she could remember to avoid leaving her stuff in your area. Remember that this is a discussion about how you two can be better roommates, rather than a critique! That way, your roommate will not be offended. Keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help. Love, Mama Luv 

Next time she leaves any of her belongings out of place and in your space, calmly point it out to her. Say something like “Hey, I’d appreciate it if you would please make sure that your stuff won’t accidentally be left in my space again.” This way, your request will be short and sweet, and won’t sound as if you’re accusing her of purposefully dumping her stuff on yours. If it happens again, give her another gentle reminder, but you can be a little firmer if it continues. –Amanda    

I’m very self-conscious about my appearance. I have no confidence in talking with others and making friends because I’m so afraid that they’ll be secretly repulsed by my chubbiness. This is also a problem when it comes to job interviews because I am worried the interviewers think the same thing too. What should I do to overcome my insecurity?  

It’s normal for everyone to be self-conscious. Don't allow this to stop you, let your personality shine through and attract new friends! If you’re feeling uncomfortable in your body, I suggest you begin doing some light movement to be "in your body" and see what your body can do. This will help you feel better about your body and at the same time, generate endorphins to keep you positive! Don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Love, Mama Luv  

Your confidence shouldn’t be solely based on your physical appearance. Sure, physical appearance is a part of confidence, but there are other factors as well! I believe confidence stems from your personality, accomplishments, talents, friendships, etc. Therefore, you shouldn’t be afraid to make friends or be nervous at your interviews. You are so much more than the surface. Remember that confidence, not physical features, is what makes a person attractive! Hope this helps. Best of luck, darling. –Jami    

Sex question: I'm a girl with low self-esteem, and I want to be more confident in bed! How can I shed my insecurities?  

The most important thing in a sexual relationship is to practice open communication. Not only would it make you feel more comfortable and confident, but it is also a great way to improve your sexual relationship. In addition, if you do have a special someone you feel comfortable around: practice makes perfect. Hope this helps. Best of luck, darling! –Jami  

Having sex is not the way to shed your insecurities! You need to find confidence within yourself, and everyone sheds their insecurities in their own unique way. Once discovered, your inner confidence will shine through in all that you do, including sex. –Emily   

It’s best to first work on raising your self-esteem for reasons other than to have sexual confidence. I say this because I don’t believe there is a direct answer to your questions since it’s drawing on the deeper issue of how much you value yourself. No way will any “self-practice” or “list of techniques” make you inherently more confident because those are superficial and weak foundations for emotional growth. Before you can be confident in bed, you have to be confident with your entire identity and abilities. Learn to look past your flaws and failures, understand that there is always room for improvement and that confidence takes great effort and time to build. So whatever personal issues you wanna iron out, work on them, but also know that there are some things you can’t change. Just don’t continue to carry on a defeatist attitude if you are. Once you’re able to see yourself in a positive light, confidence in anything will follow. –Amanda  

I bought my friend two tickets to her favorite band’s concert on her birthday. I gave it to her intending to go with her, but then she invited another friend. I don’t care that much about the concert, but I do feel somewhat hurt about it. I don’t want to take the tickets back, and I know she didn’t do anything wrong. How do I get over this feeling?   

Sorry to hear that but looking on the bright side now, at least she enjoyed your thoughtful gift. It’s okay to feel hurt about it (anyone would), but make sure your feelings don’t develop into a grudge. Maybe next time, you should reserve special presents for special people. So if you decide to give a similar gift, the chances of them asking you to join them are much greater, if not obvious. But don’t let this experience discourage you from giving generous gifts to anyone if you want to. Gifts are meant to make the receiver happy. –Amanda     

Immediately after we broke up, my first boyfriend got another girlfriend. I dated him for the past three years, and I don’t know how he can move on so fast when I can’t. I feel devastated and I don’t know what to think. I am constantly feeling depressed and replaceable. I know they say the best way to get over someone is to find someone new. Is that the best idea?  

Don’t compare how fast each of you can move on. It may just cause you to throw yourself into or pursue another relationship with the poor intention of (messily) bandaging the wound left by the last. And like wounds, yours will take time to heal. No one other than yourself can remedy it by understanding that stuff happens, love hurts, and that you are your own person and therefore irreplaceable. Don’t let someone else and their actions dictate your identity and self-worth. Instead, keep yourself busy by pursuing activities that will keep your mind off of it, such as exercise, volunteering, etc. —Amanda

The best way to get over someone is not to find someone new! Rather, it’s finding yourself and being comfortable in your skin. Finding someone new simply brushes your concerns under the carpet and does not resolve the issue. I would suggest participating in activities that you’re comfortable doing by yourself and with friends. Sweetie, it’s important to remember that you define yourself and no one else can make you feel inferior. Please don’t forget to keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help. Love, Mama Luv  

I met a guy at a frat party and he keeps texting me. I think he’s cute but I also feel like he might only want a sexual relationship and that’s not what I’m looking for. I’ve tried ignoring some of his texts too but he’s persistent. Should I pursue this because I think he’s cute and if not, how can I make it clear I’m not interested?   

Naturally, you want to start seeing a guy if you think he’s cute, especially if he’s so persistent! However, if you think he might only want a sexual relationship, and if that’s not what you want, then it’s best to let the guy know you’re not interested. You can do this by being straightforward, even if it’s through text! Just simply be clear about how you feel. In the meantime, keep your chin up, strut with confidence, and shake what your mama gave ya! Mama Luv is here to help.  - Love, Mama Luv    

My girlfriend of 1.5 years told me recently that she used to be bi-sexual. It made me very uncomfortable because I feel like she interacts with some girls differently. After all, she might be interested. I’m completely fine if she used to be bisexual, but I get a tad bit feeling that she still is. 

Aw, you sound stressed! There are 2 issues here. One is whether your girlfriend is flirting with other people in a way that makes you uncomfortable. The other is whether or not she’s still bisexual, despite what she may say.  

For #1, you need to talk about boundaries. Are you monogamous? What does that mean for both of you? Start with “I” statements (“I’m feeling a bit confused/insecure”). Be honest, and be kind. It may be difficult, but it’s the only way to get on the same page.

For #2: it doesn’t matter if she is bisexual; it matters if she’s honest with herself and with you, and if you both can stick to your relationship agreements. She may not feel bisexual anymore; she may also have said that to gauge your reaction. Let her know you support her no matter what (if this is true, and your baristas hope it is), and then gently mention what you’ve observed. See what she says.  

The bottom line: Start some good, non-accusatory conversations. Use some “I” statements. And see what happens! Much love from the Love Cafe!