How do I know when I’ll be ready to lose my virginity?

October 7, 2016

How do I know when I’ll be ready to lose my virginity?

So, to start off with, I’m going to be using the term sexual debut to refer to the concept of virginity, as the term “virginity” tends to be attached to some heteronormative connotations. However, go ahead and call it whatever you feel comfortable calling it, but I personally prefer to use the term sexual debut because I feel that virginity is attached directly to the act of having penetrative sex, while I prefer to keep the concept of sex open-ended, and open to interpretation.

I think that, when facing this question, it’s important to first define what sex is to you, and what losing your virginity actually looks like. Is “having sex” to you, referencing penetrative sex, oral sex, fondling, kissing, caressing, making out, or all of the above?

The majority of people tend to associate losing their virginity with having penetrative sex, but it’s super important to remind yourself that whatever the supposed “majority” is into, doesn’t have to be what you’re into. It’s also important to not make any decisions based off the fact that you think you’re supposed to be at a certain place in your sexual experience. Some people have completely happy and healthy sex lives without even engaging in penetrative sex. It’s important to identify what exactly feels good for you, and go with that.

But let’s say you’ve thought about everything I’ve said and you’re ready to move forward. You found the partner you want to do it with, and things are starting to escalate in that direction. Don’t ever be afraid to slow things down or even call it off. Yes, you told yourself that you were going to go there tonight, but things can feel super different in the moment, and it’s important to grant yourself the freedom to change your mind.

At the end of the day, it’s important to constantly check in with yourself and tend to your needs as an individual when approaching your sexual debut. And also – ask yourself, why do I feel this pressure to be ready? Feel out the situation, feel out your emotions, and if something doesn’t add up, don’t be afraid to press pause, or even rewind.

Love, Justin

Hi there! Let me just start off by saying that there is no one answer to when someone will be ready to make their sexual debut. There’s no certain age or time in your life in which it will just hit you that you will be ready. And even when it does hit you that you’re ready, it still hits people in different ways. There might be some people who realized they were ready all at once, maybe when they entered college. Others may have the realization hit them very slowly, maybe over the course of a few weeks or months or years! So if it’s different for everyone, then how will you know? The best way for me to put it is that you have to be 100% comfortable with yourself, the other person, and the particular sexual act that may happen between you. If you are comfortable with the other person, the sexual act, and of course you doing that sexual act with that other person, then you’re probably ready! The main take away here is that you should never do anything you’re not comfortable with and you especially shouldn’t do anything with a person you are not comfortable with. For more sexual resources, feel free to go to the Sexpert Education Clinic at Tang. You can stop by there from 12-3 on Fridays on the 2nd floor (Health Promotion Wing) and you can even bring your partner!

Love, Simran