Connection Cafe - Can't Get Him Off My Mind...

April 27, 2018

I dated this guy over a year ago and I still miss him. I tried to forget about him but the thought of him always remains in the back of my mind. What should I do?

Do not feel like you have to entirely forget him and the memories together in order to move on- it will be almost impossible to do so and you may feel guilty for not being able to! It is perfectly okay to hold him in a special part of your life. That said, it is also important to let go and reduce the recurring thoughts of him for your sake.

Instead of trying to bottle up your emotions and thoughts of him, spend some time alone to just let them out. Let the frustrations, laughters, and tears out of your system. Invite a close friend of yours over and share your feelings with them. You may be surprised how relieving it is to vocalize your emotions to a listening ear. I am not sure how things ended, but I have found it very helpful and important to find closure. I am sure you have unanswered questions and swimming in the uncertainty can feel quite exhausting. Even if the answers don’t resonate with your own perspective, it will put a lot of the uncertainty at ease. Your partner can also avoid your questions, but that itself is closure. So you can see that it is not so much what the answer is, but the fact that there is a definitive point to move on from. 

Once you have reached this conclusion, it is important to then understand that he was not the right person for you. That doesn’t mean there was something wrong with you or him: it just means that it wasn't the right dynamic. Learn to forgive yourself on any accusations you put against yourself, and eventually learn to forgive him as well. When you feel ready, take this opportunity to meet new people: it doesn’t even have to be with the intention of dating. Meeting new people will help build confidence in yourself. It will also remind you that there are other really great people out there. 

Lastly, know that this moving on process takes time- do not feel stuck because it has already been a year. Any progress is a step forward, so take as much time as you are comfortable with. Going forward, remember that you should improve yourself by your own standards and not anyone else’s. Your life is not any less complete without a partner. When you strive to be the best version of yourself, the relationship with a future partner will naturally fall into place. 
Much love,

It's always hard to forget, and quite frankly, you might be able to forget for some time, but the memories will always remain. I think the best thing to do is to really find closure with yourself and determine why you are still thinking about him. Did you two end on a good note? Are you missing the good times that you had with him? And, it's okay to miss someone! There will be traits about certain people that you will hold on to, but in the end if things don't work out, you can at least hold on to the good memories, learn from any mistakes (if any), and grow as an individual. In regards to trying to "forgetting" about him, I would try finding a new hobby, spend more time with friends and family, and focusing on you! :) If you two aren't talking as much and if he isn't reaching out to you to stay in contact/talk, then please do your best to spend your time on people that care about you. It's great to reflect from time to time, but it's also nice to let go and understand that you can move on and even find someone else again. When a door closes, another opens. Remember, it's completely okay to not be able to forget, but if it's hurting you emotionally, YOU need to take the proactive approach in shifting your focus away from him and the memories. Good luck, love!

Hi there! 

When you really connect with someone, it can be hard to let them go and/or forget about them. Because you dated him over a year ago, it wouldn’t really make sense to try to rekindle a relationship, especially if you don’t know what’s going on regarding his current relationship status. I think the best way to move forward is to acknowledge that time spent with him was good, however it ended for a reason. You can find someone that has the same qualities you loved about him, and more!

Good luck!