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Unwanted Sex, Sexual Assault and Rape: Advice and Resources for Men
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Advice for Sexually Active Men
- You should know that 1 out of 4 or 5 undergraduate women will experience
rape or attempted rape from men while in college. 9 out of 10 of the
men who do this will be boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, classmates, residents
in shared living space, acquaintances, coworkers or professors-that
is, someone the survivor already knows. For just this reason, nearly
half of the survivors may not be able to admit that what took place
was rape. But it is.
- Think about whether you really want to have sex with someone who
doesn't want to have sex with you; how will you feel afterwards if
your partner tells you she didn't want to have sex.
- If you are getting a double message from a woman, speak up and ask
questions to clarify what she wants. If you find yourself in a situation
with a woman who is unsure about having sex or is saying 'no,' back
off and suggest talking about it.
- Be sensitive to women who are unsure whether they want to have sex.
If you put pressure on them, you might be forcing them.
- Just because of the frequency of sexual assault among college-age
women, your potential partner may already have experienced sexual
assault, attempted sexual assault or otherwise unwanted sexual attention,
either in college or earlier in her life. She may be unsure about
or afraid of sex or of being victimized again. She may not feel safe
enough, or may feel too ashamed, to tell you, or may feel it is not
your business to know. This will require you to go at her pace; to
honor her privacy; to make yourself a safe person to be with; and
to respect without question her physical boundaries.
- Do not assume you both want the same degree of intimacy. She might
be interested in some sexual contact other than intercourse. There
may be several kinds of sexual activity you might mutually agree to
share.
- Stay in touch with your sexual desires. Ask yourself if you are
really hearing what she wants. Do not let your desires control your
actions.
- Communicate your sexual desires honestly and as early as possible.
- Do not assume her desire for affection is the same as a desire
for sex.
- A woman who turns you down for sex is not necessarily rejecting
you as a person; she is expressing her decision not to participate
in a single act at that time.
- No one asks to be raped. No matter how a woman behaves, she does
not deserve to have her body used in ways she does not want.
- Not having sex or not 'scoring' does not mean you are not a 'real
man.' It is okay not to 'score.'
- Taking sexual advantage of a person who is mentally or physically
incapable of giving consent (for example, drunk) is rape. If a woman
has had too much to drink and has passed out, or is not in control
of herself, having sex with her is rape.
- The fact that you were intoxicated is not legal defense for rape.
You are responsible for your actions, whether you are drunk or sober.
Things Men Can do to End Sexual Assault and
Violence Against Women
You have the power, with other men, to put a stop to rape and other
kinds of men's violence against women.
1. Check yourself. Examine your own attitudes and actions. Some of
the ways you act or the things you believe, whether you know it or not,
may actually support rape. Some examples of these are:
With women you see in public:
- Staring at, taunting or whistling at women when you're standing
around with other men
- Following women around
- Embarrassing women in public with putdowns, name-calling, sexist
jokes, comments on their looks or bodies, mocking, or otherwise ridiculing
With women you know personally, whether casual or intimate:
- Controlling a woman you know-a classmate, friend, or girlfriend--by
using threatening gestures, using a loud voice/monopolizing the conversation,
blocking doorways, or driving recklessly
- Criticizing or trivializing what a woman says or belittling, even
in fun, her attitudes or thinking
- Pressuring a woman to have sex
2.Check your men friends: confront their attitudes and actions when
they do any of the above.
3. Do the same thing about homophobia--attitudes or actions you or
other men might have that are anti-gay. Recognize homophobia and speak
out against heterosexism. Discrimination against lesbians, gays, bisexual
and transgender people is actually one way we use to try to prove to
each other that we're "real" men.
4. Learn about yourself.
Watch documentaries and read articles, essays, and books about masculinity,
gender inequality, and the root causes of sexual violence. Educate yourself
and others about the connections between larger social forces and the
conflicts between individual men and women. Some resources are:
Video:
- Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity" - documentary
by Jackson Katz , available in the Campus Media Resource Library
Books:
- Timothy Beneke, Men on Rape, St Martin's, 1982.
- Timothy Beneke, Proving Manhood, University of California Press,
1997.
- Michael Kimmel, Manhood in America: a Cultural History, Free Press,
1996.
- Paul Kivel, Men's Work, Ballantine, 1992
- Michael Messner and Donald Sabo, Sex, Violence and Power in Sports:
Rethinking Maculinity, Crossing Press, 1994.
- T. Walter Herbert, Sexual Violence and American Manhood, Harvard,
2002.
- John Stoltenberg, The End of Manhood, Plume, 1994.
- John Stoletnberg, Refusing to be a Man, Breitenbush, 1989.
Some websites run by men taking a stand against sexism include:
5. Don't put your money into anything that, subtly or in the open,
supports violence against women. That means boycotting magazines, videos,
music, comics, websites, radio and television that portrays women in
a sexually degrading or violent manner. Notice that these potrayals
actually also put down and delimit men's sexuality-or make it invisible.
Tell your friends. And make noise about it: tell the people who produce
these products to cut it out.
6. Support and fight for increased funding for battered women's shelters,
rape crisis centers and campus resources for women-and women's sports.
7. Organize or join a group of men in school, at your workplace or
among friends to work to end sexual assault and other forms of violence
against women. A great place to organize is among existing men's groups,
in athletics, fraternities and elsewhere. All over the country, from
Wisconsin to Harvard to Berkeley, men students are stepping up and speaking
out!
8 Volunteer in public schools, youth outreach and childcare centers
and other organizations. These are places where, often, women are doing
the work. They could use your help, and young people could use your
presence.
9. Listen to women. No sexual assault survivor is ever at fault; no
one wants or asks to be assaulted. Avoid blaming the victim.
10. Support women's leadership and gender equity. Come out and support
SHAPE - Sexual
Harassment Advocacy and Peer Education Program, Take Back the
Night, A-SHAPE, After Hours and other student groups at Cal who are
dedicated to ending the violence against women.
Male Survivors of Sexual Assault
Rape is a men's issue for many reasons. One we don't often talk about
is the fact that boys and men are sexually assaulted. We need to start
recognizing the presence of male survivors and acknowledging their unique
experience. The following questions and answers can help us all learn
about male survivors so that we stop treating them as invisible and
start helping them heal:
- How often are men sexually assaulted?
While the numbers vary from study to study, most research suggests
that 10-20 percent of all males will be sexually violated at some
point in their lifetimes. That translates into tens of thousands of
boys and men assaulted each year alongside hundreds of thousands of
girls and women.
- If there are so many male survivors, why don't I know any?
Like female survivors, most male survivors never report being assaulted,
even to people they know and trust. They fear being ignored, laughed
at, disbelieved, shamed, accused of weakness, or questioned about
being gay. Perhaps worst of all, men fear being blamed for the assault
because they were not "man enough" to protect themselves in the face
of an attack. For all these reasons, many male survivors remain silent
and alone rather than risk further violation by those around them.
- Can a woman sexually assault a man?
Yes, but it's not nearly as common as male-on-male assault. A recent
study shows that more than 86% of male survivors are sexually abused
by another male. That is not to say, however, that we should overlook
boys or men who are victimized by females. It may be tempting to dismiss
such experiences as wanted sexual initiation (especially in the case
of an older female assaulting a younger male), but the reality is
that the impact of female-on-male assault can be just as damaging.
- Don't only men in prison get raped?
While prison rape is a serious problem and a serious crime, many male
survivors are assaulted in everyday environments (at parties, at home,
at church, at school, on the playground), often by people they know
-- friends, teammates, relatives, teachers, clergy, bosses, partners.
As with female survivors, men are also sometimes raped by strangers.
These situations tend to be more violent and more often involve a
group of attackers rather than a single offender. As with female rape,
drugs are sometimes used to incapacitate male victims of sexual assault.
- How does rape affect men differently from women?
Rape affects men in many ways similar to women. Anxiety, anger, sadness,
confusion, fear, numbness, self-blame, helplessness, hopelessness,
suicidal feelings and shame are common reactions of both male and
female survivors. In some ways, though, men react uniquely to being
sexually assaulted. Immediately after an assault, men may show more
hostility and aggression rather than tearfulness and fear. Over time,
they may also question their sexual identity, act out in a sexually
aggressive manner, and even downplay the impact of the assault.
- Don't men who get raped become rapists?
NO! This is a destructive myth that often adds to the anxiety a male
survivor feels after being assaulted. Because of this misinformation,
it is common for a male survivor to fear that he is now destined to
do to others what was done to him. While many convicted sex offenders
have a history of being sexually abused, most male survivors do not
become offenders. The truth is that the great majority of male survivors
have never and will never sexually assault anyone.
- If a man is raped by another man, does it mean he's gay?
NO, again! While gay men can be raped (often by straight men), a man
getting raped by another man reflects nothing about his sexual orientation
before the assault, nor does it change his sexual orientation afterwards.
Rape is primarily prompted by anger or a desire to harm, intimidate
or dominate, rather than by sexual attraction or a rapist's assumption
about his intended victim's sexual preference. Because of society's
confusion about the role that attraction plays in sexual assault and
about whether victims are responsible for provoking an assault, even
heterosexual male survivors may worry that they somehow gave off "gay
vibes" that the rapist picked up and acted upon. For a gay man, especially
one who is not yet out of the closet, the possibility that he is broadcasting
his "secret sexual identity" to others without even knowing it can
be particularly upsetting.
- How should I respond if a man I know tells me he has been assaulted?
While there may be some differences in how rape impacts a male versus
a female survivor of sexual assault, the basics of supporting survivors
are the same for men as for women. Believe him. Know what your community's
resources are and help him explore his options. Don't push and don't
blame. Ask him what he wants and listen. Be cautious about physical
contact until he's ready. Get help for yourself.
- Where can male survivors go for help?
See
Sexual Assault/Rape: Campus and Community Resources.
This information has been adapted from Men
Can Stop Rape.
Related Services at Tang
See Sexual
Assault/Rape: Medical, Counseling and Educational Services
Additional Online Resources
See also
Campus
and Community Resources For Sexual Assault.
How You Can Help a Friend Who Has Been Sexually
Assaulted/Raped
How Advisers and Faculty Can Help a Student
Who Has Been Assaulted/Raped
Sexual Assault/Rape: Alcohol and Other Drugs
Sexual Assault/Rape:
Medical, Counseling and Educational Services
Disclaimer: The information provided here is not intended to diagnose,
treat or provide a second opinion on any health problem or disease.
It is meant to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between
an individual and his/her clinician.
Last Revised: September 2004
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