My boyfriend and I fight often and I'm emotionally hurt

April 16, 2016

I am really happy with my boyfriend whenever we are not fighting. We make each other laugh and smile. However whenever we fight, it is just the worst. I know that every couple fights, but sometimes I feel like we fight too much.

Moreover, I get hurt during our fights - not physically but more on an emotional level. He would say “what is your problem”, “that was a stupid reason”, “you are selfish”, or “you are cheap”. I want to feel respected during the happy times and the fighting times.

Hi there!I’m so sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend are fighting, but I’m glad you’re aware of the situation at hand. Oftentimes when someone we love is upset with us, we can forget to stand up for ourselves. Next time your significant other hurts you emotionally during a fight, voice that clearly. Tell them that even though you may have different opinions on whatever it is the fight is about, mutual respect is extremely importing when fighting so that: 1) the fight doesn’t get out of hand and 2) you listen to each other and come to a compromise or an agreement and you can prevent future fights. If they’re happy in the relationship, they’ll want to move on from the fight too! However, if your boyfriend repeatedly attacks you verbally, or ever starts attacking you physically, do NOT be afraid to ask for help. 1 in 4 college students experience some form of domestic violence. Don’t let yourself be part of that statistic! Just this semester, the Intimate Partner Violence Coalition at Cal was formed and provides resources for survivors, answers to many questions about abuse (verbal or physical) in relationships, and a great support group for anyone who might have experienced Intimate Partner violence. Remember, a few happy moments isn’t worth many painful moments.

Love, Simran 

You absolutely deserve respect in a relationship at all times. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel? Try bringing it up in a non-accusatory way and see how he responds (like saying something like “I really hate when we fight. I feel like it gets ugly very fast, and something the things you say really hurt me”). Hopefully, he’ll make a commitment towards changing himself. But if he laughs off your concerns or worse, then you really need to think about your relationship. What do you two usually fight about? Who starts them? And how much does this relationship mean to both of you? Obviously, nobody is perfect, and you’re not responsible for making your boyfriend “perfect” and improving him;it’s his task. Unfortunately, you can’t change someone else if they don’t want to change. If he can’t respect you during the fighting times, he may not be completely emotionally ready for a relationship. I hope everything goes well for you!


Also, April is Counseling Awareness Month. If you find that you need additional support, don’t hesitate to reach out to Tang for counseling services.