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Coping with the Death of a Co-worker
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When a co-worker dies, it can have a significant impact on those in
the workplace. There is an element of "family" in most work
units. People get to know one another as they work side by side and
share work and personal experiences. Sometimes co-workers become close
friends and spend time together outside of work. Others keep their relationship
at work but develop a deep connection from working together. Some people
do not develop close ties at work and reserve their intimate relationships
to outside family and friends.
The effects of the loss of a co-worker will be determined by many factors
including but not limited to: the number of years worked together, the
nature of the relationship, the age of the deceased, the suddenness
of the death, and other challenges that may be facing the work group
and its staff and/or faculty at the time of the loss.
The Grieving Process
Depending on the nature of your relationship with your deceased co-worker,
you may or may not go through a grieving process following his or her
death. Grief is a universal, natural, and normal response to significant
loss of any kind. It is how we process and heal from an important loss.
It can be a painful and tiring experience. Understanding the grieving
experience and how best to cope with it can help in your recovery from
grief of any kind.
Stages of Grief
Within the first few weeks to months after a death, you may find yourself
riding on a roller coaster of shifting emotions. Most people go through
these stages not in linear steps, but in unpredictable waves -- moving
through one stage to the next and sometimes shifting back. Some people
will experience certain stages but not others. Here are some common,
typical grief reactions:
- Shock and Disbelief -- the numbing and disorienting sense
that the death has not really happened. This feeling can last from
several hours to several days.
- Anger -- at the deceased, yourself, others, and/or your God
for what has happened.
- Guilt -- you may blame yourself for not doing or knowing
more, or for not dealing with any "unfinished business"
that you had with the deceased.
- Sadness -- you may experience a deep sense of loss and find
yourself crying. There may be a tendency to withdraw or isolate yourself.
You may lose interest in your usual activities, or feel helpless or
hopeless. Other recent or past losses may come back to you to deal
with again.
- Fear -- there may be anxiety or panic, or fears about the
future. It may bring up your fears about your own sense of mortality.
- Acceptance -- finally, hopefully, you adjust to the loss
and move on from it while still honoring your deceased's memory.
People in grief may experience physical reactions, such as fatigue,
sleep disruption, appetite changes, tenseness, and aches and pains.
Common psychological symptoms include feeling distracted, forgetful,
irritable, disoriented, or confused.
Ways to Cope with the Loss
- Acknowledge the Loss - It is better to give each other permission
to talk about what has happened and its impact than to go on as if
nothing had happened. It may be helpful to allow time at staff meetings
for people who want to to check in on how they are doing.
- Acknowledge Individual Reactions - When a co-worker dies
it affects each person in the work unit in a very different way. Some
are deeply affected by the loss while others are not. Some people
want to talk about their feelings while others want to deal with them
in private. It may take some much longer than others to adjust to
the loss. Be aware of the different ways that people react to the
loss and respect those differences.
- Be Kind to Each Other - This is not an easy time for the
work unit and many adjustments have to be made. People may not be
at their best. Cut each other some slack and be gentle and understanding
with one another during this time. Find ways to cooperate to share
any additional workload.
- Self-Care - You may need to give yourself extra amounts of
things that nourish and replenish you - rest, relaxation, exercise,
diversions. Grief can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Express
your thoughts and feelings to trusted people because that can be most
helpful. For some it helps to write things down as a means of expression.
- Give Yourself and Others Time - In our culture there is a
tendency to deny the effects of loss and expect ourselves and others
to quickly "get over" a loss. We also fail to acknowledge
that the anniversary of losses can trigger a recycling of loss reactions.
Allow yourself and others the time it takes for each individual to
process the loss.
- Funeral and Memorial Events - Provide information for everyone
on arrangements that have been made and when feasible, provide time
to attend for those who are interested. If the events are out of town,
people may want to find ways to memorialize the loss locally.
- Honor the Lost Co-worker - Consider honoring the person who
died in an appropriate way, e.g., collecting money for a charity,
creating a memorial book or bulletin board, sending a letter to the
deceased's loved ones.
- Be Resourceful - You may need some professional assistance
if you find yourself not able to function as you would like as a result
of the loss. Perhaps you have suffered other recent losses as well.
You can call CARE Services for an individual appointment for a free
and confidential consultation with a licensed staff mental health
professional.
Related Services at the Tang Center
For further assistance re: grief resources, contact CARE Services for
Faculty and Staff, the campus faculty and staff assistance program,
at (510) 643-7754. CARE offers free, confidential, problem assessment
and referral to community bereavement programs and services.
Back to Care Services home page >
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