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GRIEF AND LOSS
When Someone Close Dies
Introduction
We all face numerous losses throughout our lives.
It could be losing a job, losing a home, or ending a relationship. When
the loss is the death of someone close to us, someone we care about --
a family member, friend, neighbor, or colleague/ coworker -- the loss
can trigger a grieving process that can affect our way of living, both
at home and at work/school.
This section is here to help you better understand
and cope when someone close to you dies. This is also a guide on ways
to balance your own personal needs to heal and recover with the potential
demands and expectations of being at work or at school.
There may be times when it is appropriate to offer
Cause of Death education to campus members following a campus death. This
will be helpful to furthering their understanding of the cause of death
in cases of suicide or communicable disease.
Education also may be useful when death is due to
alcohol or drug use, violence, a motor vehicle accident, natural disaster
or in a multiple death situation.
Contact
University Health Services for both written
materials and speakers for "Cause of Death" education and counseling.
I. The Grieving Process
Grief is a natural, normal response to loss. Although
grieving the death of someone is a normal reaction, at times grief can
feel enormously painful, overwhelming, and exhausting. Beginning to understand
your grieving experience, and taking gradual steps to address your pain
and loss, can be important and integral components of recovering from
your grief.
II. Stages of Grief
Within the first few weeks to months after a death,
you may find yourself riding on a roller coaster of shifting emotions.
Most people go through these stages not in linear steps, but in unpredictable
waves-- moving through one stage to the next and sometimes shifting back.
Some people will also experience certain phases but not others. Here are
several common, typical grief reactions:
- SHOCK/DISBELIEF
This is the numbing, disorienting sense that the death has not really
happened, not really occurred. This reaction can be intensified and
complicated if the death is sudden, violent, or unanticipated. Your
mind may be telling you "there must be some mistake," or "this can't
be true." These symptoms typically last from several hours to several
days.
- ANGER
Your anger may be targeted at a number of sources. You may feel waves
of anger at the doctors who treated your loved one, anger at your family
members for not rallying together, anger at God over what seems senseless
or unjust, even anger at yourself or the person who died and "left"
you.
- GUILT
You may blame yourself for not doing more, not being there enough, or
not being there when the death happened. You may feel regret over "unfinished
business" -- conflicts you and the deceased never resolved, or feelings
between the two of you that were never fully discussed or shared.
- SADNESS
You may experience a deep sense of loss. There may be moments when you
find yourself at a loss for words, weeping, or bursting uncontrollably
into tears.
- FEAR
There may be anxiety or panic; fears about carrying on, fears about
the future. If the person who died was an adult (partner, sibling, parent),
it may bring up fears about your own sense of mortality or sense of
being left behind.
- DEPRESSION
You may go through periods of melancholy, or "blueness," where you feel
inclined to withdraw or isolate yourself. You may lose interest in your
usual activities, or feel helpless or hopeless.
In addition to these stages, people who are grieving
frequently experience physical symptoms, such as fatigue, sleep disruption,
appetite changes, increased tension and numerous aches and pains. Grief
can also affect you on a psychological level. Some of these common signs
include feeling distracted, forgetful, irritable, disoriented, or confused.
III. Tasks of Mourning
In healthy grieving, the tasks of mourning and completing
one's grief come in several stages. The first is to accept and fully experience
your loss, including feeling and expressing your pain and sorrow. Second,
is to let go of your attachment to your loved one and your accompanying
grief. Third, is to start to form new relationships or attachments in
your life. This third phase is where you feel you are moving through our
healing and recovery, and can start to develop new commitments and ties
to people and activities.
IV. What You Need During
Grief
Grieving the death of someone does not have a particular
timetable. Mourning your loss may take weeks, months, or even years. From
many individuals, the death of their loved one is carried with them throughout
their lives. Although there is no "cure" for grief, here are several ways
to help you cope with your loss, and begin to ease the pain.
- TIME
Take time alone and time with others whom you trust and who will listen
when you need to talk.
- CARING
Try to allow yourself to accept the expressions of caring from others
even though they may be awkward. Helping a friend or relative suffering
the same loss may bring a feeling of closeness with that person.
- REST, RELAXATION, EXERCISE, DIVERSION
You may need to give yourself extra amounts of things that nourish and
replenish you. Hot baths, afternoon naps, a short trip, a project helping
others -- any of these may give you a lift. Grief can be an emotionally
and physically exhausting process.
- GOALS
For a while, it will seem that much of life is without meaning. At times
like these, small goals are helpful. Something to look forward to --
like lunch with a friend that day, a movie the next week, a trip next
month -- helps you get through the time in the immediate future. Sometimes
living moment by moment, or one day at a time, is the rule of thumb.
As time passes, you may want to work on longer range goals to give yourself
some structure and direction to your life.
- SECURITY
Try to reduce or find help for financial and other stresses in your
life. Allow yourself to be close and open up to those you trust. Developing
or getting back into a routine helps. Focus on doing things at your
own pace.
- PERMISSION TO BACKSLIDE
Sometimes after a period of feeling better, you find yourself back in
the old feelings of extreme sadness, despair, or anger. This is the
nature of grief -- one moment you're up, and next, you're down. Sometimes
when you backslide, you are simply remembering, re-experiencing the
trauma or enormity of your loss which starts to flood back and overwhelm
you.
- HOPE
You may find hope and comfort from those who have experienced a similar
loss. Knowing what helped them, and realizing that over time they have
recovered, may give you the hope and strength to envision that you,
too, will eventually heal from your grief.
- SMALL PLEASURES
Do not underestimate the healing power of small pleasures. Sunsets,
massage, a walk near the ocean, a favorite food -- all are small steps
toward giving to yourself and regaining your pleasure in life itself.
- BE AWARE OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE
The use of drugs, alcohol, and even prescription medications may prolong
and delay the necessary process of grieving. You cannot prevent or cure
grief. The only way out is through the grief process.
- PERMISSION TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
Grieving can shake you up inside. You may have difficulty concentrating;
or find yourself constantly reevaluating your priorities. You may be
unsure or uncertain what you want in numerous aspects of your life.
When you make commitments or plans, be sure to let people know you may
need room to cancel or change your mind.
- BE PREPARED AROUND HOLIDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES
For many people, holidays, birthdays, or the anniversary of their loved
one's death can bring up painful memories or revive feelings of longing
and sadness over their loss -- even for those who believe they have
"finished" their grieving and moved on. This "anniversary" reaction
is a common part of the grieving process, but you may be still be surprised
by the flood of emotions that may be reactivated during this period.
You might want to be especially aware and gentle with yourself around
this time. You may also want to allow more private time for yourself,
or arrange to spend more time around family and others close to you.
In many instances, people can move through their grief
on their own, or with their existing supports and resources. However,
sometimes you need outside help or assistance to keep yourself from "going
under," or getting "perpetually stuck" in your grief. These conditions
can happen especially if you are experiencing multiple stressors, or coping
with cumulative grief. These warning signs include continuing bouts of
depression, social withdrawal and isolation, suicidal thoughts, or continuing
feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and despair.
V. Grief and Work
Work is a place where you spend a considerable amount
time in your life. When someone close to you dies, not only do you have
to cope with this loss, but you must also adjust to working or returning
to work after the death. The early weeks or months may be especially difficult.
Here are some suggestions to help you through this emotional transition.
- BE EASY ON YOURSELF
Expect that you may feel more distracted or less productive than before
your loss. Realize your mind or reflexes may not respond as quickly
in the beginning.
- TAKE TIME OUT TO GRIEVE
Try to set time aside during the day or create ways to remember your
loved one. Let people know if you need moments of more privacy or need
a place to cry or compose yourself while at work.
- CONSIDER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH OTHERS
For some people, sharing some of their grief and sorrow with their coworkers
helps them cope; while for others, seeking other avenues for solace
and comfort works best for them. If you choose to share some of your
grief with coworkers, select those with whom you feel the most comfortable,
and who appear to be open to listening to you.
When you are grieving, it can also be difficult
to gauge when or how much to share with people. Don't hesitate to
ask your coworkers about their readiness or availability to listen
("Is it okay that I'm sharing this with you right now?" or "Please
tell me if this is too much."). Be aware that if your feelings are
particularly intense or emotional, or you seem to require a lot of
attention, some coworkers my appear uncomfortable with your sharing.
This may mean you need to find sources outside of work to express
your sadness.
- BE UNDERSTANDING WITH COWORKERS
You may find coworkers awkward or unsure how to interact with you shortly
after the death. Many coworkers are well-meaning and want to be supportive,
but may feel uncertain how to approach you or may feel afraid of what
to say (so they either say the "wrong thing" or say nothing all). Let
people know what level of interaction you'd like ("It's okay for you
to ask how I'm doing. . ." or "I'd rather not discuss this right now;
I'll let you know when I can. . ."). Respect people's limits of being
able to attend to your loss while continuing to carry on with their
work.
- KEEP YOUR MANAGER/SUPERVISOR/DEPARTMENT HEAD
INFORMED
If you have difficulty adjusting to being back at work (feel fatigued,
overwhelmed, unfocused, etc.), let your manager/supervisor/department
head know. Perhaps he or she can help you with your work transition:
e.g., temporarily adjust your work hours or schedule, shift project
priorities, reduce your workload. Consider ways your manager/supervisor/department
head can be an additional source of support at work.
- UTILIZE CAMPUS RESOURCES
UCB's employee assistance program (CARE
Services: 3-7754) offers free, confidential,
short-term counseling (1-3 sessions), workshops, and time-limited groups
for employees (and their family members) dealing with grief and loss,
as well as referrals to other bereavement services in the community.
VI. Grief and School
For college students living with grief following the
loss of a parent, family member, or friend can be challenging. The college
environment is particularly unsuited to be responsive to the bereaved
student because of the demand for a student to continue to focus on his
or her academic achievement.
Often for students the sense of unreality that is
a common form of acute grief is heightened by returning to college life.
It becomes easier for students to avoid the painful feelings that grief
invokes, while they try not to break down or show sadness. Most often
student peers are unprepared to deal with death themselves and cannot
support the bereaved student.
The grieving student can suffer from loss of concentration
and motivation. Academic work is a college student's job in life. The
inability to do that job can be painful and confusing to students who
do not recognize that grief is affecting them. They fear they are "going
crazy". Here are some suggestions for students:
- BE EASY ON YOURSELF
Grieving affects people physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.
Learn about how grief affects you. Know your own limits and take time
for your grief during your studies. Find ways to allow yourself time
to be with your loss and seek support from those who will understand.
- CONSIDER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH OTHERS
For college student, sharing with peers about their loss can be alienating.
Some friends can offer more support than others, especially if they
have lost someone themselves. Others may be good friends to "hang out
with" and just relax. Each kind of friend is important. You may need
to share with friends some of what you are going through so they can
understand how you are acting. If you have intense feelings, it could
be helpful to find support through counseling or support group as a
way to express yourself more freely.
- ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
If you find yourself turning to recreational drugs to numb your feelings,
look for help (see resources below).
- PROFESSORS
You may find that professors are unsure about how to interact with you
when you share with them you have had a death of someone close to you.
Death brings up feelings that are uncomfortable for many people. Keep
your professors informed of how you may need to adjust your studies.
Some students need the structure of classes to help them following a
death. Others may need to drop their units to a minimum load to decrease
the academic pressure. Still others may decide to take a semester out
of school due to the disruption in their lives and the inability to
concentrate on school work. There is no "right" or "wrong" choice. We
all grieve differently.
- UTILIZE CAMPUS RESOURCES
Counseling
and Psychological Services at the Tang
Center offers confidential short-term counseling services that can support
you through your grief process. Educational workshops are offered on
grief and loss, and time-limited bereavement support groups are available
for students. CPS also provides information about and referrals to other
bereavement resources in the community for students.
VII. Coping with the Death of a Colleague
or Co Worker
When a co-worker or colleague dies, it can have a significant impact
on those in the workplace. There is an element of "family" in
many work groups. People get to know one another as they work side by
side and share work and personal experiences. Sometimes co-workers and
academic colleagues become close friends and spend time together outside
of work. Others keep their relationship at work but develop a deep connection
from working together. Some people do not develop close ties at work and
reserve their intimate relationships to outside family and friends.
The effects of the loss of will be determined by many factors including
but not limited to: the length of time working together, the nature of
the relationship, the age of the deceased, the suddenness of the death,
and other challenges that may be facing the work group and its staff and/or
faculty at the time of the loss.
- The Grieving Process
Depending on the nature of your relationship with the deceased,
you may or may not go through a grieving process following his or her
death. Grief is a universal, natural and normal response to significant
loss of any kind. It is how we process and heal from an important loss.
It can be a painful and tiring experience. Understanding the grieving
experience and how best to cope with it can help you recover from grief
of any kind.
- Stages of Grief
Within the first few weeks to months after a death, you may find
yourself riding on a roller coaster of shifting emotions. Most people
go through these stages not in linear steps, but in unpredictable waves-moving
through one stage to the next and sometimes shifting back. Some people
will experience certain stages but not others. Here are some common,
typical grief reactions:
Shock and Disbelief - the numbing and disorienting sense
that the death has not really happened which can last from several
hours to several days.
Anger - at the deceased, yourself, others and/or your God
for what has happened.
Guilt - you may blame yourself for not doing or knowing more,
or for not dealing with any "unfinished business" that you
had with the deceased.
Sadness - you may experience a deep sense of loss and find
yourself crying. There may be a tendency to withdraw or isolate yourself.
You may lose interest in your usual activities, or feel helpless or
hopeless. Other recent or past losses may come back to you.
Fear - there may be anxiety or panic; fears about the future.
It may bring up your fears about your own sense of mortality and that
of loved ones.
Acceptance - finally, a stage where you adjust to the loss
and move on from it, while continuing to honor the deceased's memory.
People in grief may experience physical reactions, such as fatigue, sleep
disruption, appetite changes, tenseness, and aches and pains. Common psychological
symptoms include feeling distracted, forgetful, irritable, disoriented,
or confused.
- Ways to Cope with the Loss
Acknowledge the Loss - It is better to give yourself and others permission
to talk about what has happened and its impact than to go on as if nothing
had happened. It may be helpful to allow time at academic or staff meetings
for people who want to to check in on how they are doing.
Acknowledge Individual Reactions - When a co-worker or colleague
dies it affects each person in the work unit or department in a very
different way. Some are deeply affected by the loss while others are
not. Some people want to talk about their feelings while others want
to deal with them in private. It may take some much longer than others
to adjust to the loss. While many people find comfort from strong
religious or spiritual beliefs, others will not share those belief
systems. Be aware of the different ways that people understand and
react to the loss and respect those differences.
Be Kind to Each Other - This is not an easy time for any work
group and many adjustments have to be made. People may not be at their
best. Be accommodating, gentle and understanding with one another
during this time. Find ways to cooperate to share any additional workload.
Self Care - You may need to give yourself extra amounts of
things that nourish and replenish you - rest, relaxation, exercise,
diversions. Grief can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Express
your thoughts and feelings to trusted people as that can be most helpful.
For some it helps to write things down as a means of expression.
Give Yourself and Others Time - In our culture there is a
tendency to deny the effects of loss and expect ourselves and others
to quickly "get over" a loss. We also fail to acknowledge
that the anniversary of losses can trigger a re-cycling of loss reactions.
Allow yourself and others the time it takes for each individual to
process the loss. This loss may also bring up deaths of loved ones
in the past that you will revisit.
Funeral and Memorial Events - For many attending such events
can significantly help the healing process. Managers and faculty representatives
can give information to everyone on arrangements that have been made
and when feasible, provide time to attend for those who are interested.
If the events are out of town, people may want to find ways to memorialize
the loss locally. If you are uncomfortable attending such events,
you may find your own individual way of "saying goodbye".
Honor the Deceased - Consider honoring the person(s) who died
in an appropriate way, e.g. collecting money for a charity, creating
a memorial book or bulletin board, sending a letter to the deceased's
loved ones. Constructive actions, such as, donating blood or getting
involved in volunteer organizations are helpful to some.
Be Resourceful - You may need some professional assistance
if you find yourself not able to function as you would like as a result
of the loss. Perhaps you have suffered other recent losses as well.
Loss can trigger clinical depression which should be treated professionally.
In addition to the onsite grief groups that are provided, faculty,
staff, post docs and visiting scholars can call CARE Services for
an individual appointment for a free and confidential consultation
with a licensed staff mental health professional. If you are concerned
about a coworker or colleague, remind them about CARE.
VIII. Coping with the Suicide of a
Friend, Colleague, or Loved One
Facts about Suicide
Most of us know very little about suicide and therefore can make false
assumptions when someone we know kills themselves. For this reason it
is helpful to know the following facts:
- Suicide claims approximately 30,000 lives a year in the United States
- Every suicide is a unique story. Suicide is a multi determined act
that results from a complex interaction among many factors including
but not limited to: family history of suicide, psychiatric illness such
as depression, substance use, physical illness and chronic pain, hopelessness,
high anxiety and agitation, life crises, access to means, and willingness
to secure professional treatment.
- Suicide is a rare, unpredictable event. Mental health professionals
do the best they can to recognize and deal with suicide indicators given
the complexity of a suicide event. There is no predictable "profile"
of a person who will commit suicide.
- Suicide risk factors and thinking are present in many individuals
with depression who do not commit suicide.
- Studies show that patients frequently deny to their mental health
providers any suicidal ideation, intent or plan before attempting or
committing suicide. In some cases, those who commit suicide appear especially
functional and engaged with life before they kill themselves.
- Suicide rates for all college-age individuals have been climbing since
1950. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among those age 15
to 24 years of age. The highest rate of suicide is among white males.
- Though there are some warning signs for suicide and intervention usually
works, people with a high intent to commit suicide usually do not tell
others they are thinking about suicide. They hide the information from
treatment providers and family, friends and colleagues.
- Most successful suicides are accomplished with a firearm. Men are
four times more likely to die by suicide. Women make more suicide attempts
than men.
- A history of previous attempts at suicide heightens the risk of a
successful suicide.
- Suicide rates increase with age, especially for those age 65 and older
with serious physical problems and who are divorced or lacking in social
support.
Common Reactions to Suicide by Someone We Know:
Unique to Each Person: Each person will have their own unique
and individual response to the death by suicide of someone they know.
It is important to respect these differences and understand them.
Some people want to talk about it and some do not. Some people will
show their reactions openly and others will not.
Shock and Disbelief: Typically people experience immense shock
and disbelief when learning of a suicide. It may take quite a long
time to struggle with questions about why this happened.
Irrational Guilt: Family, friends and colleagues frequently
feel irrational guilt after a suicide believing that somehow they
should have recognized the threat and that they could have done something
to prevent the suicide. This guilt is a common reaction but it is
unwarranted. Even expert and responsible mental health professionals
may have trouble recognizing periods of risk.
Feelings of Inadequacy: Survivors may experience the suicide
as a personal rejection. They may also feel that if they had been
more knowledgeable and capable they could have prevented the suicide.
Blaming: A common reaction could include blaming those close
to the victim who one thinks should have recognized any warning signs
or prevented the act. This is an understandable grief reaction, but
is inaccurate, unwarranted and may compound the grief of those who
are left behind.
Anger: A common reaction for those close to suicides. One
can feel emotionally rejected, made the object of blame or speculations,
or left to handle the emotional and practical difficulties of a death
by suicide. Suicide usually produces more anger than any other type
of death.
Sadness: As with any loss, feelings of sadness and depression
are typical aspects of the response to the death by suicide of someone
we know.
Helping Resources:
Coping with the death of someone we know by suicide is an especially
difficult challenge. Family members and loved ones should seriously
consider getting expert professional mental health assistance as soon
as possible. At the Tang Center there are professional services available
to faculty, staff and students that provide individual and group assistance
when a member of the campus community commits suicide. See the following
contact information.
UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICES ASSISTANCE:
For students: Counseling and Psychological Services at 642-9494
For faculty and staff and immediate family members: CARE Services
at 643-7754
IX. Campus and Community Resources
- CARE Services: Faculty & Staff Counseling
Room 3100 Tang Center
University Health Services
2222 Bancroft Way
Berkeley CA 94720-4300
(510) 643-7754
http://www.uhs.berkeley.edu/FacStaff/CARE/
- Counseling and Psychological Services:
Student Counseling
Room 3284 Tang Center
University Health Services
2222 Bancroft Way
Berkeley CA 94720-4300
(510) 642-9494
http://www.uhs.berkeley.edu/Students/Counseling.html
- University Religious Council
http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~urc
- Seeing the Difference: A Project on Viewing
Death and Dying from an Interdisciplinary Perspective. A Project of
the Doreen B. Townsend Center for the Humanities at UC Berkeley.
http://seeingthedifference.berkeley.edu/
- Grief Care Community
3102 Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, CA
(510) 540-0830
- Grief Counseling Project of Alameda County
(510) 889-1104
- Namaste
P.O. Box 3680, Berkeley CA 94703
510-547-7702
Namaste means "My spirit honors your spirit." It is a free, emotional
support service for people suffering from grief and/or facing life-threatening
illness.
- Pathways Hospice
7901 Oakport
Oakland, CA
(510) 632-4390
- PediatriCare (for children and their families)
2540 Charleston St.
Oakland, CA 94602
(510) 531-7551
- Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice of Northern California
1900 Powell Street, Suite 300
Emeryville, CA 94608
(510) 450-8500
(800) 698-1273
http://www.vnahnc.org
- Women's Cancer Resource Center
3023 Shattuck Ave
Berkeley, CA 94705
(510) 548-9272
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The Guidelines
for Responding to Death have been prepared at the request
of former Chancellor Berdahl by a campus
workgroup made up
of staff, student, and faculty representatives.
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